This week’s book recommendation is The Emotional Lives of Teenagers (Affiliate link) by Lisa Damour. I wish this book was around 10 years ago when my oldest child was a tween. It would have saved both of us a lot of heartache. Lisa Damour is a psychologist specializing in teenagers so she knows what she is talking about. It was very helpful to learn more about teenagers and why they are the way they are.

One thing that surprised me from this book is that these teenage-type issues start in much younger children than I thought. She says that some of these changes start happening when kids are as young as 9 or 10. So, it almost feels like it isn’t too early to read this book.

I you have school age kids give The Emotional Lives of Teenagers a read, In a few years you will be glad you did.

I planned to share a different book today but I listened to Honey & Spice (affiliate link) by Bolu Babalola this week and can’t get it out of my head. I loved it. Romance novels are kind of a guilty pleasure of mine. When I’m looking for something light to listen to while I work I often go to a romance novel. I didn’t plan on sharing any of them here but I hadn’t read one that I liked as much as Honey & Spice.

This story is about Kiki, a Nigerian college student in Britain. She has kept herself away from relationships of any kind during her college years, except for a best friend, but is thrown into them in because of external forces. It is about so much more than one couple’s romance though. It deals with issues of the way women allow themselves to be treated by men, the power that people have and seek, and some student social issues.

I was pleasantly surprised with how funny this book was. There were several times when I laughed out loud. I think the humor is what has made this book stick out to me.

There is one explicit sexual encounter in this book. I think it could be easily skipped if you aren’t into that. There is also language throughout but if you are looking for a fun and funny read give this a try.

Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver is a book that you may have already heard about and for good reason. It was the winner of the Pulitzer Prize in 2023, as well as other awards. The story follows Demon, named Damon at birth but given the nickname Demon early on, throughout his early life as he battles the hardships of the life he was born into. Born to a teenage mother on the floor of a single-wide trailer in Appalachia, Demon has many demons to face but you can’t help but fall in love with this boy and continue to love him as he grows into a man.

I learned a lot about the opioid epidemic and how it affected this area of the country. There is a lot of drug use in this book. Addiction is something almost all of the characters face. It was eye-opening for me to see how the distribution of opioids was done through doctors and other healthcare representatives.

I resonated with how Demon loves the land and open spaces where he is from. He spends time in the city later in the book and his feelings about being there mimic my own. He talks about the people from Appalachia being looked down on by the rest of the country but that they are some of the most resourceful people you will meet. They know how to live off of the land which is something most of us have lost.

This is a long book but worth the time it takes to read/listen to it. If you’re looking for a great read, go fall in love with Demon Copperhead.

(This book had a lot of drug use, some sexual stuff, lots of language, and rough living. If that isn’t your thing, you may want to skip this one.)

My book recommendation for this week is The Girl With the Louding Voice” by Abi Dare. This book is about 14-year-old Adunni who lives in Nigeria. All Adunni wants out of life is to get an education but as the daughter of a poor man she is taken out of school and sold as the third wife to an old man. The story follows her life as she tries to weave her way through cultural and class expectations to create the life she longs for.

I really enjoy reading about other cultures. Spending most of my life in Utah and not traveling much, I don’t have much experience with African cultures or any culture really other than Mormon culture. Reading books about other places opens me up to new knowledge in a way that is easy for me to understand and remember.

The Girl With the Louding Voice taught me about Nigeria and how poor girls there are treated. It also showed me the example of a strong young woman who knows her worth even when those around her don’t and continues to believe in herself and that she can achieve her dreams even when they seem impossible. It is a great read.

After sharing my story on faith and religion I figured I would share some of the resources that helped me through my transition. Most of these aren’t any big secret and are things I feel like most people already know about but I figured I would share them anyway.

Instagram

Rosie Card and Dr. Julie Hanks are two women that I follow. Both of them helped me see that there isn’t only one way to be a member of the church. I have also learned that you can have criticisms of the church and the way things are done and still be a member. There is much more to be learned from these ladies. Some have said they lead people to leave the church but they both gave me hope that I could stay.

Sharonsaysso This one might seem a little odd since it is not religious at all but Sharon really helped me to understand that not everything is black or white, right or wrong. She teaches this mainly through politics and history but it was a great lesson for me to apply to religion as well. She also taught me that generally people want the same things, they just go about getting them in different ways which can also be applied to religion.

Books

Restoration (Affiliate link) By Patrick Q. Mason was a breath of fresh air for me. Not only was this the first and only religious book that I looked forward to reading from every day but it also gave me SO much hope that I could stay in the church. This is a short book, less than 100 pages, but I think it is a must-read. The church that he describes in this book is the church that I want to belong to, the one I’m staying to help build.

Navigating Mormon Faith Crisis (affiliate link) by Thomas Wirthlin McConkie is another book that I highly recommend. This book talks about the stages of adult development in the context of religion. I found it really helpful to learn that adults go through stages of development and that it is normal to have your thoughts and feelings on religion, and other things, change as you age. Part 1 of this book is called Groundwork and can be extremely helpful to those experiencing a faith crisis. There was so much good information there.

Thomas McConkie has been an amazing resource for me in general. He has been on several podcasts and has written other books, etc. I have enjoyed everything I have heard from him.

The Law of Love (affiliate link) by Steve Young. Yes, it is that Steve Young and no, it isn’t about football. This book isn’t about faith crisis but is about the transition from transactional relationships with God and others into non-transactional relationships or love. I have been focused on love and that being the main point of life and the gospel for years now so this book was very interesting to me. It is another one that I would suggest everyone read.

Podcasts

The Faith Matters podcast is another great resource. It is hosted by a husband and wife who have both been through their own versions of a faith crisis and have stayed in the church. They have guests who think critically and provide insights in new ways. I have learned a lot from their episodes. My favorite episode so far has been Faith Journey 101. If you start anywhere, start here. This episode was life-changing for me. I know that sounds overly dramatic but it’s true. I’ve listened to it three times already and I’m sure I will listen again at some point.

I hope there is something helpful here. Even if you aren’t going through a faith crisis, any of these resources would help you understand others who are or just gain knowledge. If there is something you especially like or something that has been helpful to you that I missed, let me know.

Many years ago someone gave a talk at General Conference where they talked about God’s love. They taught the doctrine that I have been taught my whole life, that we are all God’s children and he knows and loves us. As part of their talk, they challenged anyone who hadn’t felt God’s love for them personally to kneel down and ask God to feel his love. I felt like I fell into that category so I accepted their challenge, knelt by my bed one night, and prayed to feel God’s love. And then I felt nothing. And continued to feel nothing for many years.

I’m not clear on the exact timeline but during this time of feeling nothing, the church changed its policy and no longer allowed children of same-sex couples to be baptized, among other things, until they were 18 and had moved out of their house. I was the primary president in my ward at the time and while there weren’t any children in our primary who this directly affected my heart hurt for the families in the world that it did affect. This policy change also caused a lot of confusion for me.

In addition to these two things, I started to notice other things that didn’t feel right to me. Many of the things that bothered me (political affiliations, judging others, materialism, superiority, etc.) were done by the members and are the church’s culture here in Utah. I know that people are not perfect and they make mistakes but I started to feel like maybe I didn’t belong. Then there were the things that the church as an institution is doing. Some things they say the doctrine is one way but then in practice it seems like the doctrine stated isn’t followed. Things like women being just as important as men, LGTBQ+ people being welcome and needed at church, etc. Then there are the sexual abuse issues, federal fines for illegally hiding money, and not taking accountability for wrongs done in the past among other things.

For years I questioned all of this and more but didn’t dare study it out and look for truth. When you start to wonder if your foundation is faulty or if the truth you were raised with isn’t so true it is scary. It all felt very black and white to me, like either it was all true or it wasn’t true at all. I wasn’t ready to admit that it wasn’t true at all but I also felt strongly that it wasn’t all true. I didn’t know where to go next.

For a long time, it felt like I was just spiritually existing, just going through the motions. I went to church because that is what I had always done but I didn’t feel like I got much from it. I didn’t let myself open up to the truths that I could find at church because of the untruths that I didn’t know how to handle. I didn’t tell anyone how I was feeling either. I didn’t know who was safe to talk to about this. I didn’t want to tell someone who would then tell me that I needed to try harder with the so-called Sunday school answers. I also didn’t want to shake up someone else’s testimony and lead them to experience the pain I was experiencing. It was a lonely place to be.

Eventually, I started to find little pieces of hope here and there. Guests on podcasts that I listened to regularly, people on Instagram who had similar beliefs as I do, etc. These small things helped me along and showed me that things aren’t as black and white as I thought. Once I was able to give up my all-or-nothing thoughts about the church I was able to find bigger pieces of hope, books on adult development, podcasts by people in similar situations, etc. I even had an experience where for a few minutes I’m pretty sure I was feeling God’s love for me individually.

I’m still a work in progress. For now, I am choosing to stay in the church and attend in the ways that feel right to me. I don’t know if that will always be the case but I feel good about where I am. I don’t feel like I have any answers but I feel compelled to share this experience so I can maybe provide some hope for others out there who are having a similar experience. Hearing other people’s stories and struggles helped me to through mine. I wish the reality of faith journeys was talked about more and figure that I can do my part by putting my story out into the world. Thanks for being here and if you have a similar story, I would love to listen to it.

Last month one of my son’s good friends lost his dad to depression and suicide. A few nights later I lay awake in bed, my mind racing thinking about this boy and his family. The next day when my son asked why I was so tired, I told him why and he asked me why I was carrying something that wasn’t mine to carry. I don’t remember how I answered him because I didn’t know what to say.

Last week my husband’s boss got some life-changing, career-ending news. This is a man that my husband has respected and worked closely with. I don’t know this man well but have spent the last week with thoughts of him filling my mind and leaving me somber.

I saw the post above on Instagram and thought about these two experiences. Both of them are out of my hands but should they be out of my mind? I know it isn’t helpful to worry about things I can’t control but I also think there is strength from feeling deeply for others. I want to be the kind of person who grieves when a 17-year-old boy loses a parent. I want to feel a small part of the pain of a man who loses what he has worked hard for for decades even if the loss comes from mistakes he made.

It goes further than that for me though. It isn’t only about people I know personally. I want to ache for the 100+ people killed in a wildfire in Hawaii, for the families who were separated from their babies when they tried to come into this country for safety and have never been reunited. I don’t want to hear these things and just feel okay and go on with my life. Sure, most of these things are out of my hands. I can’t bring anyone back from the dead or reunite a family but I can open my house up to a 17-year-old for lunch every day. I can think of his family and go over and mow their lawn or have my husband fix their dripping sink. I can also not judge someone for the mistakes they make and the losses that come because of it. I can donate money to causes that are helping those who are suffering. If I feel the pain of these things it leads me to look for ways to help.

I’ve heard it said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. I see the truth of that statement as I have thought about these experiences. I feel deeply for others when they are struggling. That makes me aware of them and want to help them. It can also keep me up at night or affect my emotions throughout the day which isn’t helpful to anyone. I guess the struggle is finding the middle ground, the place where I can feel the pain and help in the ways I can but then let go of the rest. That isn’t an easy place for me to find but that’s okay. If I had to choose, I would choose to keep feeling the pain. I want my heart open to the hurt of others and if that means I lose some sleep every now and then so be it.