Last month one of my son’s good friends lost his dad to depression and suicide. A few nights later I lay awake in bed, my mind racing thinking about this boy and his family. The next day when my son asked why I was so tired, I told him why and he asked me why I was carrying something that wasn’t mine to carry. I don’t remember how I answered him because I didn’t know what to say.

Last week my husband’s boss got some life-changing, career-ending news. This is a man that my husband has respected and worked closely with. I don’t know this man well but have spent the last week with thoughts of him filling my mind and leaving me somber.

I saw the post above on Instagram and thought about these two experiences. Both of them are out of my hands but should they be out of my mind? I know it isn’t helpful to worry about things I can’t control but I also think there is strength from feeling deeply for others. I want to be the kind of person who grieves when a 17-year-old boy loses a parent. I want to feel a small part of the pain of a man who loses what he has worked hard for for decades even if the loss comes from mistakes he made.

It goes further than that for me though. It isn’t only about people I know personally. I want to ache for the 100+ people killed in a wildfire in Hawaii, for the families who were separated from their babies when they tried to come into this country for safety and have never been reunited. I don’t want to hear these things and just feel okay and go on with my life. Sure, most of these things are out of my hands. I can’t bring anyone back from the dead or reunite a family but I can open my house up to a 17-year-old for lunch every day. I can think of his family and go over and mow their lawn or have my husband fix their dripping sink. I can also not judge someone for the mistakes they make and the losses that come because of it. I can donate money to causes that are helping those who are suffering. If I feel the pain of these things it leads me to look for ways to help.

I’ve heard it said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. I see the truth of that statement as I have thought about these experiences. I feel deeply for others when they are struggling. That makes me aware of them and want to help them. It can also keep me up at night or affect my emotions throughout the day which isn’t helpful to anyone. I guess the struggle is finding the middle ground, the place where I can feel the pain and help in the ways I can but then let go of the rest. That isn’t an easy place for me to find but that’s okay. If I had to choose, I would choose to keep feeling the pain. I want my heart open to the hurt of others and if that means I lose some sleep every now and then so be it.