December 8, 2001
Well, I guess I’m Chris’s girlfriend. The problem is I don’t think I want to be. We had a good talk tonight. It sounds like he likes me. He told me that he’s never felt this way about a girl before. And I feel like a jerk because I don’t feel the same way. Ahhh, I don’t know. Why is it that you want something until you have it then you don’t want it anymore or at least don’t know if you want it anymore?”
Chris asked me why I kiss him and I didn’t really have an answer so I just said “Why do you think I kiss you?” Then he asked me if I loved him which really surprised and scared me. I said that I wouldn’t go that far. I don’t even know if I like him right now.
I spent the next few weeks going back and forth trying to decide if I liked him or not. It changed by the day. I still spent as much time with him as I could and I never said anything to him. There were times when he could tell something was wrong but I never got up the nerve to actually tell him how I felt.
I went to my sister’s house in Montana for a few days over Christmas. A few days apart always helps you realize what you miss and I missed Chris. When I got back to Provo, I liked him. On January 3, 2002 he told me that he loved me and eventually wanted to marry me. I didn’t tell him that I loved him back because I wasn’t sure if I did although I did tell him that I wanted to marry him.
A few days later Chris left for 2 weeks for some training with the National Guard. He was only about 20 minutes away at Camp Williams but he didn’t have any free time. He wasn’t even able to call much so it gave me some good time apart to help me realize how much I missed him. He was able to get three hours off one night because of family reasons. His little sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy while he was gone and she was placing him with his adoptive parents the next day. Chris’s leaders let him have some time off to go meet the little guy.
I picked him up from Camp Williams then we drove out to his parents house in Santaquin. This was the first time I met most of his family. I remember feeling awkward because we were all just hanging out in his parents room. Growing up friends weren’t allowed in my parents room so going into other people’s parents rooms just felt wrong to me. His parents didn’t care of course but it was a little hard for me to get over.
Chris and I with Dustin
I also remember holding that sweet baby and thinking, “This is one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen.” And he was.
When Chris finished his training I still liked him and we talked more about marriage. He told me that he was whooped over me and would do anything for me. I eventually told him that I loved him even though I still wasn’t quite sure if I did. He told me that he wanted to marry me but I was unsure. He said he would wait for me to decide.
Most of the month of February we spent apart. It was the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and his National Guard unit was stationed in Dugway so that they could be ready at a moments notice if increased security was needed. I worked as a tour guide during the Olympics which kept me busy but I still missed him.
When we both got back we were seriously talking about marriage again. He wanted to go look at rings and asked me how I wanted to be proposed to. I liked him and wanted to be with him but I still wasn’t sure that I was supposed to marry him. He would tell me that he was so afraid of losing me and it would scare me. It made me afraid to tell him how I felt, I didn’t want to hurt him.
March 8, 2002
Well, I’ve had a feeling tonight that I should talk to Chris. Well, that I should break up with him. I really don’t want to but that may be the right thing. I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with him today and I probably won’t tomorrow either. It’ll give me time to think. If I really have to do this it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But if it’s right it’s right and there’s nothing I can do about it.
March 9, 2002
This morning the best thing happened to me. I was reading some talks that are totally fitting for what I’ve been struggling with. When I was reading one on timing I had the most peaceful, comfort feeling. I was more happy than I’ve been in awhile and I knew what I had to do with Chris. We just need to slow things down.
That afternoon we went on a drive. I knew I needed to talk to him but it took me a while to build up the courage to do it. We ended up at Bicentennial Park, sitting in his car. There, in the parking lot, I finally told him. I didn’t think I was breaking up with him, just wanting to slow things down. I’m sure I was scared of commitment and slowing things down meant that I still got to have him in my life but I didn’t have to decide if I wanted to marry him right now. From the peaceful feeling I had that morning, I was so sure this is what we were supposed to do.
I thought Chris took it well.
He told me that I have to do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else. He also said that if things don’t work out with us than there is someone else out there for us and that he didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t feel for him what he felt for them. Then after that I wanted to take back everything I said and be with him always but I didn’t. We are just going to hang out sometimes but not spend all day everyday together and see what happens. He really is an amazing person who I admire a lot. I hope things work out between us and that it is just a timing issue.