I recently discovered this blog about love.  I have really enjoyed reading it and it has definitely made me think.  This post on comparing ourselves to others is one of the most inspiring post I have read in a long time.  I recommend it to any and all whether you feel like you struggle with comparisons or not.  Take the time to read the comments too.  They are as inspiring and filled with good information as the original post.

Chris fishing Thistle Creek

I thought Chris had taken the “slow down” well.  I was sure it was what we were supposed to do.  But I hurt him.  The following is his journal entry for the day.

10 March 2002

It’s amazing how a surprising and somewhat bad moment can overshadow the entire day.  I had such a good day.  It all began with a spiritual scripture study, then stake conference was good.  I got home feeling wonderful.  Heather and I went on a drive up to Thistle Creek and looked at our restoration project from last year.  On the way back we stopped at the Bicentennial Park in Provo and we talked for a bit.  Something has been bothering her for about a week now, and she told me.  She said she didn’t feel right about us.  She said the time wasn’t right and we should slow things down and give some time.  She also said she felt we should break up, but could never do that.

I am just having a real hard time with that since she still comes over and snuggles up, and wants hugs and a goodnight kiss etc…  I don’t know what she wants.  I am a little (no a lot) sad right now, I feel confused and hurt.  This event has somehow clouded all the wonderful experiences of this day.  I have never loved someone like I love Heather.  I can only hope and pray she will be happy with me.

Now both of our journal entries from the next day.  Mine first, then Chris’s.

March 11, 2002

Dad is here interviewing for a job at BYU so we got together for dinner.  It was fun.  It was good to see Dad.   Chris came with us.  I wanted him too.  I actually spent a lot of time with him today.  Things feel really different for me.  I don’t know if I can explain it.  It’s a good different though which is a good thing.  Who knows what will happen though.

11 March 202

Last night has affected my entire day.  I didn’t want to go to class this morning, but I did.  I was angry all day, but I got a lot done.  I went to the BYU library and did some research for my paper.  I also met Heather for lunch although I really didn’t want to.  I am glad I went.  She also asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her family.  I asked her if she wanted me to go, she didn’t want to make the decision but this was one she needed to make.  I am glad I got to go eat with her brother, sisters, bro-in-law, and her dad.  We had a good evening.  Heather and I also talked tonight and resolved a little feelings about last night.  I feel good now.  A whole lot better anyway.

The next afternoon we went to a movie.  We saw Serendipity which I remember not liking much.  It was a chick flick that was too much even for me.  But something happened while we were there, I realized that I wanted to be with Chris.  That romantic story, no matter how lame it was, had it’s effect on me.  I was in love with him.

Later that night we were laying on his bed talking.  I tried to explain the change in my feelings.  I don’t remember what I said exactly.  We did talk about proposals and I told him that I didn’t have to be proposed to in the mountains like I had previously told him.  We were both happy being there together.  Then he asked me if I would marry him.  I thought about it for a few seconds and felt good about it so I said yes.

So much for slowing things down.

Our second proposal

On April 13, we went back up to Thistle Creek.  Chris fished for awhile while I spectated.  Then he came up to me, hugged me and pulled a ring out of his pocket.  He was shaking from nerves when he asked me again if I would marry him.  Of course I said yes.  At this point we already had the temple scheduled as well as many other things planned.  I was totally committed.  But the fact that he was nervous was cute to me.

I am so glad I got over my doubts and realized that I wanted to be with Chris forever.  He is the love of my life and the best thing that ever happened to me.  He is my anchor in life and my calm place when the storm is raging around me.

Now, 10 years later, I’m so grateful that my plan to slow things down actually sped things up.

December 8, 2001
Well, I guess I’m Chris’s girlfriend. The problem is I don’t think I want to be. We had a good talk tonight. It sounds like he likes me. He told me that he’s never felt this way about a girl before. And I feel like a jerk because I don’t feel the same way.  Ahhh, I don’t know.  Why is it that you want something until you have it then you don’t want it anymore or at least don’t know if you want it anymore?”

Chris asked me why I kiss him and I didn’t really have an answer so I just said “Why do you think I kiss you?”  Then he asked me if I loved him which really surprised and scared me.  I said that I wouldn’t go that far.  I don’t even know if I like him right now.

I spent the next few weeks going back and forth trying to decide if I liked him or not.  It changed by the day.  I still spent as much time with him as I could and I never said anything to him.  There were times when he could tell something was wrong but I never got up the nerve to actually tell him how I felt.

I went to my sister’s house in Montana for a few days over Christmas.  A few days apart always helps you realize what you miss and I missed Chris.  When I got back to Provo, I liked him.  On January 3, 2002 he told me that he loved me and eventually wanted to marry me.  I didn’t tell him that I loved him back because I wasn’t sure if I did although I did tell him that I wanted to marry him.

A few days later Chris left for 2 weeks for some training with the National Guard.  He was only about 20 minutes away at Camp Williams but he didn’t have any free time.  He wasn’t even able to call much so it gave me some good time apart to help me realize how much I missed him.  He was able to get three hours off one night because of family reasons.  His little sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy while he was gone and she was placing him with his adoptive parents the next day.  Chris’s leaders let him have some time off to go meet the little guy.

I picked him up from Camp Williams then we drove out to his parents house in Santaquin.  This was the first time I met most of his family.  I remember feeling awkward because we were all just hanging out in his parents room.  Growing up friends weren’t allowed in my parents room so going into other people’s parents rooms just felt wrong to me.  His parents didn’t care of course but it was a little hard for me to get over.

Chris and I with Dustin

I also remember holding that sweet baby and thinking, “This is one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen.”  And he was.

When Chris finished his training I still liked him and we talked more about marriage.  He told me that he was whooped over me and would do anything for me.  I eventually told him that I loved him even though I still wasn’t quite sure if I did.  He told me that he wanted to marry me but I was unsure.  He said he would wait for me to decide.

Most of the month of February we spent apart.  It was the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and his National Guard unit was stationed in Dugway so that they could be ready at a moments notice if increased security was needed.  I worked as a tour guide during the Olympics which kept me busy but I still missed him.

When we both got back we were seriously talking about marriage again.  He wanted to go look at rings and asked me how I wanted to be proposed to.  I liked him and wanted to be with him but I still wasn’t sure that I was supposed to marry him.  He would tell me that he was so afraid of losing me and it would scare me.  It made me afraid to tell him how I felt, I didn’t want to hurt him.

March 8, 2002

Well, I’ve had a feeling tonight that I should talk to Chris.  Well, that I should break up with him.  I really don’t want to but that may be the right thing.  I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with him today and I probably won’t tomorrow either.  It’ll give me time to think.  If I really have to do this it’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  But if it’s right it’s right and there’s nothing I can do about it.

March 9, 2002

This morning the best thing happened to me.  I was reading some talks that are totally fitting for what I’ve been struggling with.  When I was reading one on timing I had the most peaceful, comfort feeling.  I was more happy than I’ve been in awhile and I knew what I had to do with Chris.  We just need to slow things down.

That afternoon we went on a drive.  I knew I needed to talk to him but it took me a while to build up the courage to do it.  We ended up at Bicentennial Park, sitting in his car.  There, in the parking lot, I finally told him.  I didn’t think I was breaking up with him, just wanting to slow things down.  I’m sure I was scared of commitment and slowing things down meant that I still got to have him in my life but I didn’t have to decide if I wanted to marry him right now.  From the peaceful feeling I had that morning, I was so sure this is what we were supposed to do.

I thought Chris took it well.

He told me that I have to do what is right for me and not worry about anyone else.  He also said that if things don’t work out with us than there is someone else out there for us and that he didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t feel for him what he felt for them.  Then after that I wanted to take back everything I said and be with him always but I didn’t.  We are just going to hang out sometimes but not spend all day everyday together and see what happens.  He really is an amazing person who I admire a lot.  I hope things work out between us and that it is just a timing issue.

November 25, 2001.

My 21st birthday.

The best birthday of my life and I don’t even drink.

It was a Sunday.  Usually I think birthdays on a Sunday are kind of a bummer but this one wasn’t.

We had the neighbor boys over for dinner. 

And later a party that my sister had planned.  A lot of people came, mostly guys, all of them friends.

It was awesome to be surrounded by so many fun, great people.  I don’t remember what we did at the party, probably not much except hang out and just be together. Nevertheless, I had fun.

Chris was there.  He left before some of the others and since it was my party I figured I should stay.  I told him I might come over later.  After everyone was gone, Emilee and I went across the street.  We stood at the door and talked to Chris for awhile then Em went home and I went in.

We sat in his living room talking.  He was listening to Celine Dion and it was cracking me up.  What 23 year old guy listens to Celine Dion?  One who is trying to set a mood I guess because before the night was over he kissed me.

Chris’ birthday is the day after mine.  Although I can’t be sure of the time of the kiss, I like to think it was right around midnight.  A birthday kiss for both of us.

That night I wrote “Today was the best birthday ever.  I almost don’t want to go to bed so that it won’t end.”

 

In honor of Valentine’s Day, this week I decided to share my love story, at least the beginning of it.  I can’t share the end because it hasn’t ended yet.

The first time I remember seeing Chris was out of my living room window.  I was living in Provo with my sister, Emilee, and it was the beginning of my senior year at BYU.  I looked out the window one day and saw a guy across the street working on his car.  His car looked something like this

(photo credit)

except it had a lot more rust and dents.  It was parked on the front lawn of his apartment with the hood up.  I remember thinking “That boy looks cute.”  He was wearing a dark green t-shirt, that was kind of tight.  He looked good in it.  (He still has that shirt.  It is an old army issue t-shirt and it is thread bare.  I don’t think I’ll ever let him get rid of it.)

We like to joke that I fell in love with him because of his car.

It was an interesting time in my life.  It was towards the end of the most serious relationship I had been in up to that point.  The boy couldn’t decide if he wanted to date me or his best friend from high school.  I was hanging out with him still, hoping that he would choose me but knowing that he wouldn’t.

I also had an old boyfriend who had just come home from his mission.  The relationship I had with him wasn’t defined.  I was pretty sure that it wasn’t going to work out but we had a history and I didn’t want to let go of him yet.  I knew he liked me which felt good.  He was easy to fall back on.

The first weekend of October, Emilee and I went to a session of General Conference at the Conference Center.  While we were there, for some reason we decided that we needed to be good neighbors and meet the boys who lived across the street.  The next night we thought we would go on a bike ride with one of our roommates.  When we tried to leave we discovered that one of our bikes had a flat tire.  I had a pump that we could have used to pump it up but we decided it was a better idea to go across the street and ask the boys who lived there if they had one that we could borrow.  I don’t remember if they had one or not but I do remember that we didn’t go on a bike ride that night.

We talked for awhile and they invited us to a BBQ they were having later in the week.  We went to their BBQ and had a fun time.  They were fun boys and I was hopeful that we would become friends.  It didn’t take long for me to single Chris out.  I mentioned him specifically in my journal 10 days after we met them. I said “I dig Chris.  I think he’s cool.”

We started hanging out with those boys off and on.  We liked them more and more.  They were fun boys and we liked being around them.  One night Emilee and I were driving with two of Chris’ roommates.  They asked me what kind of boys I was interested in.  I said someone who liked the outdoors, etc.  They said “Someone like Chris” and I responded, “Someone exactly like Chris.”

We continued to all hang out, my roommates and his roommates.  We were all just friends.  One day early in November a few of us were supposed to go rock climbing.  It ended up being just Chris and I.  I wrote in my journal

I ditched class and went rock climbing with Chris.  It was fun.  It was just the two of us and we went up Rock Canyon.  Then we stopped at the Malt Shoppe on the way home and he bought me a shake.  It wasn’t really a date.  He is a cool kid though.”

The next weekend I was supposed to hang out with him again but ended up getting tickets to a U2 concert at the last minute.  I was so excited to go to the concert but was sad to ditch Chris.  Around the same time Em, Chris and I went to a movie.  There were only 2 free seats together in the theater so we put the arm rest up and the three of us shared them.  That didn’t hurt my feelings any.

Then this happened,

BYU played Utah last night.  It was a good game.  We watched the first half at the neighbors but Martha had a dance concert last night too so we went to that.  We recorded the second half and watched it after her concert.  The dance concert was good.  Chris and Jarad came with us too.  We tried to not find out about the game but someone had to yell that we won.  It was still fun to watch it when we got home.  It was a good game.  I was sitting by Chris on their couch and he held my hand.  I was really surprised.  I still don’t know what to think about it.  We went and watched a meteor shower last night too and we laid by each other.  It wasn’t too much until the end when he kind of put his arm around me and I laid on his shoulder.  Who knows what will happen.  It really did surprise me because he’s never really done anything to really make me think he was interested.  Maybe he’s not, who knows.  I’ll have to wait and see.

On the way to watch the meteor shower and watching the meteor shower

A few days later I wrote

November 20, 2001

Well, today was an interesting day.  I meant to stay on campus and do my homework but that didn’t happen.  When I got home I noticed that Chris was home.  He was sitting on a chair in his front yard.  I went inside and cleaned the kitchen and thought about how I wanted him to come over.  Then he did.  I was happy.  We went and got our licenses renewed since both of ours expire this week.  Then he invited me in when we got back.  We talked for awhile then we watched a movie.  We were there alone at first and he had his arm around me.  Then Giles came home and his other roommates started coming home.  I was kind of embarrassed.  I don’t know what they were thinking.  Mostly because I don’t know what he’s thinking or what’s up.

To be continued…

(photo credit)

Wednesday, after I had written my last post, I was reading the Ensign (a religious magazine from my church).  I try to read it through each month and this day I happened to be on an article titled Look Up.  I smiled as I read the quote under the title, telling what the article is about.  It said,

A challenge for all of us is not to look sideways to see how others are viewing our lives but to look up to see how Heavenly Father sees us.

Fitting right?

You see, worrying about what others think hasn’t automatically been washed away.  I wish I could say that all of the sudden I didn’t care anymore.  There have been times, like my example boogie boarding, when I realize what I’m doing and how it is affecting me and I’m able to move on.  There are a lot more times that I don’t.

So I was happy to find this article, grateful for the advice it gives.  One of my favorite parts is this,

The world we live in today has all kinds of measurements—most of them external to us. I think such measurements can be especially harsh to young adults. You go to school and earn a grade, but that doesn’t necessarily take into account what else you experience in your other classes or your family or your life situation. Sometimes we’re judged by the way we look or by the car we drive. We might base our sense of self-worth on how many friends are writing on our wall on social networking sites. We worry about what others think about the person we’re dating or what people will think if we marry before finishing school. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to please others, but we can’t trust such external measurements; the world can be too quick both to praise and to criticize.

I think the challenge for all of us—but perhaps particularly for young adults—is to try not to look sideways to see how others are viewing our lives but to look up to see how Heavenly Father sees us. He doesn’t look on the outward appearance but on the heart (see 1 Samuel 16:7). And He knows, better than anyone else, what each one of us needs.

That just rings of truth that I needed to hear.  Hopefully I can learn to look up for acceptance in the future, rather than side to side.

 

You can read the full article here.

(Photo from Pinterest, original location may be here)

Several months ago the Lord made it clear to me that I worried too much about what others thought of me.  I admit that I was a little surprised by this revelation in the beginning as I thought that I didn’t care.  Then I started to realize all of the times that I had held myself back because of a worry about what others would think.  Acts of service that hadn’t been performed because I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be.  Events that hadn’t been attended or enjoyed because I was worried about what others thought of my appearance.  Posts that hadn’t been written because of fear of what people would think when I opened up.  It didn’t take long to discover that it’s true.  I care too much about what others think and it definitely holds me back.

Recently my family was able to spend some time at the beach.  We rented some boogie boards and Big Boy and I set out into the surf.  I had never boogie boarded before so I really didn’t know what I was doing.  There was a young guy there boogie boarding who had obviously had some experience on a board.  I watched him, trying to gain some insight into how to boogie board, which kind of waves he would ride and which ones he let pass, etc.  Soon I was trying to do just what he was doing and have my 7 year old do the same.  I felt stupid if I didn’t look just like he looked.

Then I stopped myself.  I realized that I was ruining the experience for me.  Who cares if I don’t look like a long time boogie boarder?  I decided that I didn’t.  I rode whatever wave I wanted to and didn’t care when it tossed me around and spit me out the other side gasping for air and eyes stinging from the salt water.  Or if I chose the wrong wave to ride and only ended up going two feet.  Or that we had to walk out into the ocean instead of swimming on the board.  I was having fun.  A lot of fun.  More fun than I ever remember having at the beach.

Now I’m wondering how much more there could be in my life if I wasn’t constantly holding myself back, worrying about what someone else might think.  I’m grateful for such a simple experience to show me how my insecurities are effecting my life and to help teach me to ride whatever wave is right for me no matter what others are doing.

A few years ago, after my husband got back from Iraq, he and I planned a trip to Hawaii.  We drove to LA and left the boys with my parents for the week.  On the drive down, we stopped just outside of Las Vegas for lunch.  The restaurant we ate at was in the same parking lot as some outlet malls and I wanted to get a rash guard for Medium Boy so we went in to Old Navy.  We found what we needed but figured it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom before we left.  So, I went first and changed diapers then my husband went while I waited in the hall with the boys.

As we were waiting, we wondered off for a minute.  I figured we were back in plenty of time and sat down again to wait.  We waited and waited and waited but never came out.  After awhile I started feeling a little concerned.  Of course I had left my cell phone in the car and my husband had the keys.

I went up to the men’s bathroom only to discover that he wasn’t in there anymore.  I don’t remember how I did this, I think I must have asked someone coming out if there was anyone else in there.  Anyway, he wasn’t in there and I didn’t know where he was.  I went back into the hall and decided to look for him.  We wandered around the hall but didn’t see him anywhere.  Eventually I went out into the parking lot, figuring we would wait at the car.  The car was gone.

I knew that he wouldn’t leave us there, not in a million years.  There had to be some other explanation.  My mind raced through all of the possibilities, one of which was that someone had killed him or hurt him and stolen the car, as well as many other highly improbable scenarios.  We were in Las Vegas after all.

Here I was stranded at an outlet mall with two small children and no cell phone.  It had been an hour or more since we had gotten separated and I was getting scared.  I finally got smart and followed the cardinal rule of being lost.  I went inside, sat down and stayed put.  I figured he would find me eventually, if something horrible hadn’t happened.  If he never found me I’d figure something out.

A few minutes later, I saw him walking up to the door.  I went to him, relieved that we were finally together again.  It turns out he was much faster in the bathroom than I thought he was and when he came out we weren’t there.  So, he went looking for us.  Eventually he even got in the car and drove around the outside of the building looking for us.  We got mad at each other for a minute because of what the other had done then were just glad it was over.  We got in the car and were on our way again.

And I realized that I watched entirely too much CSI.

June 22, 97 (Summer before my senior year)

I slept in this morning so I only went to sacrament.  Mom and Dad spoke.  They spoke on the Proclamation to the Family.  They both gave good talks.  Heidi and Stef left today.  They’ll be back next month.  The home teachers came today and one of them, Bro. Leroy, is my Sunday School teacher.  I felt dumb because I didn’t go to Sunday School today.  I got over it though because he doesn’t know why I wasn’t there.  I watched The Spitfire Grill today.  It’s good.  Right now I’m watching The Sound of Music.  I love this show.  I went for a drive today.  I was so close to getting in a wreck up the canyon.  I didn’t see a truck coming the other way around a curve.  I was only inches away.  It scared the crap out of me.  I was going to fast.  I went so slow down the rest of the canyon.  It’s the closest I’ve ever been to getting in a wreck when I’m driving.  It scared me bad.

I’m glad for the reminder that I wasn’t a perfect teenager and I still turned out alright.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My husband and his father are both hard workers.  They have worked together since my husband was really young.  Now, when they have projects to complete they still call each other and help each other out.  There have been many times when I have been annoyed that my husband was gone all day helping his dad.  It was his day off and I wanted him home helping me and spending time with our family.  It seemed that my father-in-laws projects were always at a bad time, right after my husband had been out of town or on a day when I wanted to do something else.  Of course when my father-in-law was helping us I never thought about what he was giving up to be there.

The week between Christmas and New Years my husband decided to refinish our floor.  It’s been unfinished since June when we remodeled and I have been anxious to get it finished.  My husband and father-in-law got to work.  They rented sanders and I packed the kids up for a day at my sisters house.  When I got home that night they hadn’t gotten very far.  My husband was working alone because his dad had a meeting and another responsibility that night.  I put the kids to bed and tried to help out but I’m not much help when it comes to projects like this.

I was wondering how long this would end up taking.  I was tired and it was getting late but I felt bad leaving my husband to do all of the work alone.  Then someone pulled into the driveway.  I was so happy to see that my father-in-law had come back.  He got out of his second responsibility and came back to help.  I went to bed about 11pm and my husband and father-in-law kept working.  All night long.  When I woke up the next morning, they had just finished putting the stain on the floor.  Instead of going to bed to wait for the stain to dry, they loaded up the rented sanders so that they were returned on time.  When the stain was dry they put on the first coat of sealant.  They just kept going with only minimal rest here and there.

I am still so full of gratitude for my father-in-law.  So grateful that he came back when we weren’t expecting it and that he was willing to work all night to get the job done.  For all of the help that he gave us not only that night but many other times throughout the years.  From now on whenever he has a job that he needs help with, I won’t be annoyed when my husband helps him.  I will just be grateful that they help each other and we all benefit.  And every time I look at my floor, I will be grateful for a father-in-law who came back when he didn’t need to (and that I have a beautiful floor that I LOVE).