This last Sunday in church doubt came up often. Part of the Come Follow Me reading for the week was Matthew 14 which has the story of Peter walking on water and then sinking when he gets afraid. After pulling Peter up Jesus asks him, “wherefore didst thou doubt?” In both our testimony meeting and Sunday School people talked about doubt and if it’s okay or not.

This is something that we have discussed in our own home recently as well. Our family discussion started at the beginning of the year when we read Luke 1. In Luke 1 the angel Gabriel appears to Zacharias and Mary separately and tells them that they will both experience seemingly impossible things. Both of them initially respond with a question as to how that is possible. They both seem to doubt what Gabriel has told them. We talked about this in our scripture study and how it is okay to doubt.

A few weeks later I was listening to the BYU Speeches podcast. They record the weekly devotional and post them to their podcast channel so that anyone can listen to them. In January Lawrence Corbridge, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, spoke at the devotional. Toward the end of his talk he said, “I heard someone say recently, ‘It is okay to have doubts.’ I wonder about that. The Lord said, ‘Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.’ I have a lot of questions; I don’t have any doubts.”

That same night, during our scripture study, I played that part of the talk for my kids and talked to them about the difference between questioning and doubting. I think most of us, when we talk about doubting things, actually mean questioning them we just use the words interchangeably. The two words actually mean different things.

I wonder if doubt is borne from fear while questioning comes from faith? I don’t know but it seems to make sense to me. What do you think? Do you think there is a difference between questioning and doubting? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I have had “by small and simple things are great things brought to pass…” from Alma 37:6 on my mind for weeks now. I guess I adopted it as my mantra for the time being and I remind myself of it often. I tend to look at the big picture of things or focus on everything that needs to happen and it makes me feel overwhelmed. When I’m overwhelmed I avoid starting anything or putting forth any effort. Now, whenever I’m feeling that way I repeat “small and simple” in my mind as a reminder that all grand accomplishments start with one small step and are a culmination of many other small steps along the way.

This has really helped me to accomplish more than I had been. Every January one of my goals for the year is to declutter my house. I’m not a very clean or organized person and haven’t gotten very far in the last 5 years or so. I think the hard part for me is seeing all of the mess and realizing how much work it will be to clean it all up and feeling like I don’t know where to start. It is too overwhelming when I look at the whole house.

This year my goal has been to clear out and organize for 15 minutes a day and you know what? It’s working! There are often times in my day when I have a few minutes between tasks and instead of using those few minutes to do laundry like I used to, I often spend them organizing a kitchen drawer or part of a counter, etc. Yesterday it was the game shelves.

There are other areas of my life where my “small and simple” mantra is helping me too. Actually, it really helps in all areas of my life. Parenting is done in small moments, writing is done one word at a time, breaking my big goals down into small, manageable steps helps me to move forward.

Just as one weather event at a time over millions of years creates amazing beauty like the view in the picture of Canyonlands National Park above one day and one small task at a time can build an amazing life. When I lose sight of that, as I often do, I’m grateful that I can remind myself with one simple line of scripture.

Oh laundry!!

This comic made me laugh out loud when I first read it because that is pretty much how I feel about laundry. I never had a hard time keeping up on laundry until I had Briella and since then, 6+ years later, it seems like laundry is all I do. Well, that and feed people.

I also figured out awhile ago that laundry is a buffer for me. Whenever I have a minute during my day and don’t know what to do I turn to laundry. Since it’s always needing to be done it is always there to help me feel productive. The problem is that doing laundry isn’t really getting me anywhere. Sure, I’m going nowhere in clean clothes but that isn’t much of a consolation.

We got a new washer last week and the main reason why I chose the one I did was because it made it so that all of the people who live in my house would be able to put their own clothes, sheets, etc. in the washer and start it by themselves. And surprisingly, it has worked. Briella loves to use the washer and is always asking if she can put stuff in it. I’m sure that will wear off eventually but I’m taking full advantage of it until it does.

Along with the new washer came the miraculous events of my bed wetters not wetting the bed for several nights in a row. So between not having to wash a bunch of bedding and Briella wanting to wash all she can get her hands on there isn’t any laundry for me to do right now.

And now you know why I am actually writing again. Without any laundry to do there’s nothing else standing between me and my dreams.

This morning as I helped Keenyn get ready for school he told me that a sweet girl from his class went to another school this year because she didn’t have any friends. It made my heart hurt.  After the kids went to school, I went on a walk and passed the middle school bus pick up.  All of the neighborhood kids were hanging out in big groups, socializing and waiting for the bus.  Then I noticed one boy standing completely by himself away from all the other kids and my heart hurt even more.

This afternoon as I was driving, I remembered this note that I saw in Eli’s room last night.  His cute section leader in marching band gave it to him last week and it is full of encouragement and motivation and tells him that she cares about him and believes in him.  It makes my heart happy.

I’m not sure if there is much of a point to this post other than to say that life is a crazy mix of emotions but the contrast of it all adds so much beauty and depth to our living.

We bought a new to us car this week.  It was a long time coming and we are happy to have it (I admit, I’m mostly just happy that the whole car buying process is over) but it has made me think about change.

We had our old car for 7 1/2 years.  It has served us well but we have also had a lot of issues with it.  It was 15 years old and had 182,000+ miles on it.  Several years ago I let a guy use it to try and jump start another car and he hooked up the jumper cables backward.  If you don’t know, that is not a good thing.  There were flames and melted jumper cables and electrical issues in the car ever since.  Electrical issues are not fun to deal with.  In addition to the electrical issues, the heat/air registers were stuck on the defrost setting, the button that moved the driver’s seat forward only worked half of the time, another seat back was broken, and this is just a short list of all that was wrong with it.  Needless to say, we weren’t super in love with the car.

But, yesterday when I knew we were going to leave it at the dealership I got kind of sad and sentimental.  It is just a car but it has been a part of our life for the last 7 years. It’s a part of my kid’s childhood.  I think I was really feeling the emotions of leaving it behind because it was going to be a change for us.  We had been in that car for years and were used to all of its quirks.  I was used to backing it into the garage so that if the battery happened to be dead AGAIN when I wanted to leave next it would be easy to jump start.  The kids were used to sitting in the seat with the broken back.  I knew how all of the buttons worked and the ones that didn’t work.  I was used to it taking 10 minutes to warm up in the winter and equally as long to cool down in the summer.  Now we were going to be experiencing something new.  And change is uncomfortable.

It didn’t take me long to realize that change can be good.  After an hour or so of driving the new car around on errands, all longing for the good old car days had disappeared.  This newer car was much more comfortable, was easier to drive and all of the features it has actually work.

 

I have heard it said many times that the only constant in life is change.  We are constantly facing changes even though we long for the comfort of sameness.  Even when that change is good it is hard for me to let go of what I am used to.  This is so interesting to me.  Why is it that I am so hesitant to change even when it can bring so much good?  How many other areas of my life am I holding myself back in because of comfort?  What am I missing out on by not allowing changes to enter my life? And why am I so afraid of being uncomfortable?  What could I become if I welcomed change and the uncomfortable growth that came with it?

 

Change obviously isn’t always a bad thing.  And things often don’t change completely.  Even though my new car probably won’t have nearly as many dead batteries as the old one did I’ll still back it into the garage.  And it will be a lot easier because it has a backup camera!

Chris and I recently met with a new financial advisor and one of his “get to know you” questions was, how do we see ourselves spending our weekends in 20 years.   That questions stopped me in my tracks then and I have thought about it often since.  He had us answer it about each other which made it easier to answer in the moment (I said Chris would be in his wood shop and Chris said I would be writing and taking pictures.) but it hasn’t stopped me from thinking about it.

I often think about the future, about when all my kids are in school all day, or that Eli will go to high school this year and on a mission in less than 5 years.  Most of my future thoughts are between tomorrow and 5 years from now but since being asked about myself in 20 years I’ve spent some time thinking more long term.

It’s kind of amazing to realize that eventually, my kids will all move out.  I won’t have a minimum of 10 loads of laundry per week or have to figure out what to feed 6 people 3 times a day every day.  There won’t be sports games and practices and cub scouts and band concerts.

Of course, I’ve always known this was going to happen.  That’s what we’re all striving for as parents isn’t it?  To raise children into full grown, live on their own, take care of themselves humans.  I even remember thinking in my younger, pre-children years that I wanted to be done having babies by the time I was 30 so that I would have an empty nest by the time I was 50.  (I didn’t make it but I was close.  I was 32 when Brie was born.)  It’s funny to me now to think that before I had kids I was already making plans for when they would leave and now that I’m fully immersed in children I can’t imagine what life will be like without them.

But, the truth is, eventually (hopefully) my kids will leave and I will have a lot more time on my hands.  It has already started in small ways.  I have more time to myself, now that Brie is in preschool than I have for the last 13 years and it’s only going to increase from here.

After having time to think about what I see myself doing on the weekends in 20 years my answer would be spending time with my grandkids and traveling.  But that isn’t all that I have learned from being asked that question.  More importantly, I’ve learned that I need to start finding myself outside of my role as a mother.  I have not been good at self-care over the years and have felt for a long time that I lost myself to motherhood.  Now that my kids are getting older it is time to start finding me again.

The best way that I know to do that is to write.  Writing helps me to frame my thoughts and to learn about myself.  So, I’m planning on writing more in many capacities and the thought excites me.  Some of what I write I will share here, some I won’t but I know that if I write I will start to find myself again.

How about you?  How do you plan to spend your time in 20 years?  Do you think about this often or are your thoughts stuck in your current situation?

 

photo credit Mimi Lee Printables

I am always on a quest to better myself and one way I try to do that is by reading self-help books.  I’m currently reading the book Mindset by Carol Dweck.  It is a self help book that was recommended to me by the principle at my sons middle school.

The premise of the book is that there are two different mindsets, a fixed mindset and a growth mindset.  A fixed mindset is where you believe that you are what you are and have the talents that you have.  These things are fixed and don’t change.  In a fixed mindset success is proving that you are smart or talented.  You are always validating yourself and you fear failure.  A growth mindset where you believe that you can always grow and change.  The talents that you currently have can grow with effort.  You are looking for a challenge to help you learn and you don’t fear failure, you see it as a learning experience.

I really like the book and it has left me with lots of ways to change and better myself.  But the thing that I keep thinking is that it’s amazing, and not amazing at all, that in all of the self-help books that I read, the main point that they teach people about is always something that we are taught in the church.  This is true with Mindset as well.

My stake has a weekday religious class that I attend sometimes.  I went to it yesterday and one of the things the lesson was on is how we really reach heaven.  We don’t get there by being perfect, we get there by repenting and doing our best.  The teacher said, “Satan is all about perfection, while God is all about progression.”  This fits exactly into the lesson that Mindset teaches.

People who have a fixed mindset are always feeling like they need to be perfect while people with a growth mindset are happy if they are improving.  This is also part of the message of Elder Holland’s last General Conference talk. He said:

First of all, if in the days ahead you not only see limitations in those around you but also find elements in your own life that don’t yet measure up to the messages you have heard this weekend, please don’t be cast down in spirit and don’t give up. The gospel, the Church, and these wonderful semiannual gatherings are intended to give hope and inspiration. They are not intended to discourage you. Only the adversary, the enemy of us all, would try to convince us that the ideals outlined in general conference are depressing and unrealistic, that people don’t really improve, that no one really progresses. And why does Lucifer give that speech? Because he knows he can’t improve, he can’t progress, that worlds without end he will never have a bright tomorrow. He is a miserable man bound by eternal limitations, and he wants you to be miserable too. Well, don’t fall for that. With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed.

Honestly, this happens with pretty much all of the self-help books that I read.  I am grateful for these kinds of books though.  It is easier for me to learn the lessons from the secular books and then see how they apply in a gospel sense than it is for me to see them in a gospel sense and apply them to my daily life.  I’m glad that I know that I can improve and become better, that those traits I lack now are something that I can strive for.  And I’m grateful for the many ways that we can learn about the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I’m having a Norwex party on facebook this week.

It’s totally stressing me out.  I really don’t want to do it.  I hate this kind of thing yet here I am.

Why do it then?  Well, I decided last month that in 2016 I wasn’t going to let fear and shame hold me back.  I look back on my life and there are many times I didn’t do things because I was too afraid of the shame that would come from rejection or not being good enough.  Now I feel like I totally missed out on some awesomeness because of that fear  and I don’t want to let fear keep holding me back.

So, I’m having a Norwex facebook party.  And if no one joins it and no one buys anything and I don’t earn the free mop that I really want then I will be okay.  And maybe in the future the fear of failing at something so simple won’t hold me back anymore.

January –  We started out 2015 in a yurt at East Canyon State Park.  It was our first time staying in a yurt and it was fun.  It was also cold.  The yurt had a stove to heat it so we didn’t freeze when we were inside but it was -9 outside when we woke up.

February and March were spent enjoying the unseasonably warm weather with hill races and soccer games.

April was our annual trip to Snow Canyon.  We love it there as much as ever.

May brought Eli’s 11th birthday, Keenyn’s graduation from preschool and a cute picture of me and the kids on Mother’s Day.

We started June with Eli going to 5th grade camp at Camp Big Springs.  He had a great time.  June also started our screen free summer.  No screen time for us except for the occasional family movie.  It turned out so awesome.  Keenyn even taught himself how to ride his bike because of it.

July brought the Smith Family Reunion at Rockport Reservoir.  Most of us were able to be there and it was awesome.  The kids played and played while the adults talked and talked.   July also brought Keenyn’s 5th birthday and the Kroeber Family Campout.  We didn’t get a group picture but most of us were able to be there for at least some of the time.  

In August we had the Kroeber boys backpacking trip to the Uinta’s where they got rained on and did a much harder hike than they prepared for.  They all survived and even managed to have quite a bit of fun.  School also started in August.  Eli is in 6th grade, Isaac in 3rd and Keenyn in kindergarten.  Briella just wanted to be in the picture with them.

Chris and I got a week away in September.  We had a conference to go to in Nashville and my parents were brave enough to watch our kids.  It was a nice vacation and we took our first selfies while we were there.

For the last day of Fall Break in October we trekked north to the Golden Spike National Historic site.  We were one week too late for the summer shows/reenactments and the engines were in the shop.  They let us drive over to the engine shop and have as much of a tour as we could so it wasn’t a total let down.

On the way out we saw a sign for the spiral jetty and since we were already all the way out there and didn’t know if we would ever be there again (It’s pretty far out in the middle of nowhere) we decided to head out there.  Even though we hadn’t had lunch and were all pretty hungry when we finally got back to town it was worth the trip.

Isaac turned 9 in November.  Chris and I had birthdays as well but they weren’t nearly as exciting!

December was the busiest month of all.  Eli and Isaac both had music concerts/recitals.  They are both in the before school choir also so they had a concert for that.  Then came the day that the boys have been waiting for for years now.  STAR WARS!!  It happened to come out on Briella’s 3rd birthday so we celebrated her birthday by going to the movie.  Don’t worry, she was pretty happy about that fact.  She is a Star Wars lover just like the rest of them.  

2015 was good to us.

Now onto 2016!

 

Lately I have been thinking about the man who drove my school bus when I was young.  I think his name was Don but I’m not quite sure.  He was older, probably retired from another job, and I would be surprised if he is still alive.  I’d be even more surprised if he remembered me but I definitely remember him.

Me in 9th grade

My family moved when I was in junior high.  While we were in the same town and I would be attending the same schools it was still a hard move for me.  Everything is extra hard in junior high isn’t it?  All of my friends now lived on the north end of town, I lived on the south and none of us could drive.

My old neighborhood was far away from the school so I rode the bus everyday.  My new neighborhood was much closer and I can’t remember how I was supposed to get home from school but I know I wasn’t supposed to ride the same bus.  Obviously it was only for those who lived on its route which wasn’t anywhere close to where I now lived.  All of the buses would pick the kids up from the junior high and then go to the high school to pick up the high school kids and then continue on their routes.

My new house was only a block away from the high school and I know he wasn’t supposed to, because I was told that I couldn’t do it, but Don let me ride my old bus with my friends every day.  I would get on at the junior high and ride the to high school where he would let me off and I would walk home.  It is such a simple thing but it helped me through a hard time in my life.

When I got into high school I was on the girls soccer team and Don was the one to drive us to most of our away games.  I remember him watching our games and congratulating us on wins and being sorry when we lost.  It just seemed like he cared.

Don didn’t do anything most would consider great.  He was a bus driver but here I am 20 years later and I still remember him.  I remember the nice things he did for me and the ways he helped me during a hard time of my life.  It has really made me realize that we never know how we are influencing the lives of those around us and who will remember us in 20 years and be grateful for the small part we played in their life.