My favorite comic from the Sunday paper.

Did you read cjane’s birth story?  I loved it.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a baby at home, without anyone there but your husband then just wake the kids up in the morning like it’s any other day.  I think it would be incredible.  I don’t think I could do it.  I’m too afraid.  Too many “what ifs”.  That girl has a lot of faith.

I visited with a neighbor this afternoon.  She is 88 years old and her husband passed away last summer.  She has some health problems so she can’t go out for too long.  She gets so lonely.  It’s interesting to talk to her and hear about her struggles.  She is alone all the time, doesn’t have much to do, sleeps a lot.  It’s hard for her.

Here I am with a house full of noise and kids, never get as much sleep as I’d like to and always have a never ending to do list.  What I wouldn’t do for a day of quiet, all to myself.  To actually be alone, be able to sleep if I wanted, and not feel like I have a huge list of things I needed to do.

My husband had to go to Puerto Rico for work back in 2009 and I decided to go with him.  Because of the circumstances, I had to be at the hotel all day alone while he went to his classes.  The hotel was right on the beach.  My husband kept apologizing to me because I was stuck there and couldn’t do anything.  Little did he know it was the best, most relaxing, vacation ever.  I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted.  There was absolutely no pressure to be doing anything else.  I sat on the beach and read, took pictures, slept in, and just enjoyed having nothing to do.

For my neighbor it’s a struggle, for me it was heaven.

She mentioned once that she only cleans her house every other week or so.  How would that be?  Of course I know that it wouldn’t be all that great because a clean house means no children.  It means not hearing their laughter and the funny things they say.  It means not getting loving hugs from them whenever I want and seeing the smile on their face when they learn something new.  For me, it would also mean no husband around.  (He’s pretty good at leaving things around the house.)  No one to share my trials and joys with.  Of course I would trade a million dirty houses for a house full of family and love.

It can be so easy to long for other days, wish for a different season of life.  Right now, I’m trying to enjoy the season I’m in, chaos and all.

(Me and Matt, my first boyfriend.  Yes, I look like a ghost.  It was winter but I’m also claiming some wash out from the flash.)

January 9, 96

MATT KISSED ME!  Oh today was such a good day.  Matt came here after school.  He stayed until 7.  At first we were just talking and stuff, then we went and sat on the couch.  We were just holding hands at first.  Mom and Dad left and the tv was unlocked so we watched tv for awhile.  Then I was just laying on his shoulder.  Then we watched Hook.  We got all cuddled then.  We were holding hands, my leg was between his but only down by the feet.  I had my hand all the way around his chest and it was stuffed under his back.  Oh I loved it.  We had sat like that for a long time.  So many times our lips were about a centimeter apart.  I wanted him to kiss me so bad, I thouhgt he would but I wasn’t quite sure.  Then one time when our faces were close he just moved a little and kissed me.  It was two small pecks, then Lindsey started talking to me.  I feel kind of stupid though because Sammy and Lindsey were both in the room.  I don’t think they saw us though.

My first kiss and my little brother and sister were in the room.  I’m embarrassed at how much I described how we were cuddling.  The things that are important to a 15 year old.

 

So many times at the end of the day it is easy to see all that is left undone.  The rooms that are still a mess, the clean clothes that still aren’t folded, the items still left on the “to do” list.  So tonight I’m going to focus on the positive.

Today I …

• Called the health insurance and dental insurance.
• Brought two kids to Target in the freezing cold.
• Spent some time cleaning up the downstairs.
• Wrote 2 blog posts.
• Cleaned part of the kitchen.  There is now one counter that is completely cleaned off.  It’s a start.
• Put pots, pans, lids and bowls back in the cupboard multiple times.
• Made dinner.
• Spray painted a basket.
• Played with Baby Boy.
• Remembered to have Medium Boy bring a check and the book bag to preschool. (Both of which were forgotten last Friday.)
• Read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to the big boys.
• Helped the big boys write letters to Santa.
• Talked to my husband and finally came to a decision on a dental issue we’re facing with Big Boy.

All of this on top of changing many diapers, getting drinks, dressing children, etc.  I feel much better about my day now.

This morning I was looking through the ads from yesterdays paper and saw something that Medium Boy would love.  Something that I didn’t even know existed until I saw it.  This discovery reinforced a feeling that I’ve been having the last few weeks.  I suck at Medium Boy’s birthday.

Birthdays are one of those things that I really want my kids to love and enjoy.  It’s their day, the day they look forward to all year, I want it to be special.  Medium Boy was born on my birthday and his dad’s birthday is the day after.  On top of that, the birthdays are usually over the Thanksgiving weekend.  While it gives us a lot to celebrate, it also robs Medium Boy of his special day.

I struggle with gifts for him.  This year he asked for the Lego Millennium Falcon.  When I told him that we couldn’t afford that he said “But you got the AT-AT Walker for Big Boy for his birthday” and then in the sweetest way possible said “That’s okay if you can’t get it.”  Which made me wish even more that I could buy it for him.  I couldn’t and I didn’t.  We also told Big Boy that we couldn’t afford the AT-AT Walker but through a great sale and some extra cash we hadn’t planned on, it turned out that we could make it work.  We didn’t have a similar miracle this time and once again Medium Boy was the one left out.

When my husband and I went to buy him some presents we walked around the toy store for an hour with no ideas.  We settled on a Yoda alarm clock which he loves but isn’t that exciting, and a remote control car.  We didn’t have any remote control cars and figured it would be something new that he would really like.  The other day a friend was trying to drive the car and Medium Boy said “It’s really hard to drive.  I don’t like it I’m going to sell it at the yard sale.”  Another strike.  I think his favorite toy from his birthday is the plastic sword he got from the prize redemption center at the arcade/play center we went to.

In an attempt to make up for my failure I threw together a friend party on Saturday.  It went well and they all had fun.  After it was over Big Boy said “That was the shortest party ever.  Why was it so short?”  I could only come up with “Because that’s all I could do today.”  And that’s the truth, that was all I could do.  I had a lot more ideas but there just wasn’t time to get them ready before the party started.  Sometimes it just really stinks when you feel like your best isn’t enough.

The worst thing about it is that Medium Boy hasn’t said anything.  No complaints out of him at all.  I feel like I’m just reinforcing the “middle child” syndrome.  Like he just goes along with it because “that’s how life goes sometimes” as he likes to say.

I know that in the grand scheme of things it really isn’t a big deal.  He will grow up healthy and happy and hopefully have good memories of his 5th birthday.  And for me, I’ll remember these feelings next year and give that kid the best darn birthday I can manage.

photo credit

This week I read an article in the BYU Alumni Magazine that really hit me.  It made me think and gave me some realizations into my life.  It is on love and has such a great message.  You can find the text or audio here.  I read a shorter version but I imagine the long one is just as good.  I think I would suggest adding this to your ipod or list of things to read.  I don’t think you’ll be sorry.

My sister-in-law shared this on facebook.  It was a message I needed to hear and think that everyone can benefit from.

I love that Baby Boy is growing up.

I love when he comes to me, gets my attention, then walks away a step or two and turns around to make sure I’m following him.

Or when he brings me his shoes and immediately sits down so I can put them on his feet.

I love that after his shoes are on he usually walks to the door, showing me that he wants to go outside or that he knows I just said we were going to go somewhere.

I love when he wants milk to drink instead of water, he goes to the fridge door and tries to open it.

I love how excited he gets when I get the chocolate powder out of the cupboard and he knows he’s getting chocolate milk.

I love it when he walks to the counter and points to the cupboard where the M&M’s are and when I open the cupboard he promptly sits down on the floor, ready to eat his treat.

I love it when he follows his big brothers around and wants to do whatever they are doing.

I love it when he comes to me with a binky in his mouth and a mischievous look on his face, knowing that binkys are only for when he’s in bed.

I love it when he sits on “big boy” chairs and you can see that he is so proud of himself.

Most of all, I love that he still lets me rock him every night.  That he cuddles up next to me, and even if it’s only for a minute or two, in some small way, he’s telling me that he’s still my baby.

Photo credit

I was one of those crazy people who went to Walmart at 10:00 pm on Thanksgiving night.  You know what’s even crazier, I wasn’t even going to buy anything.  I went with two of my sisters-in-law just for the fun of it.  I knew going into it that I wasn’t after anything.  There wasn’t anything in the ad that is on any of our Christmas lists and I knew that we hadn’t budgeted for any extra purchases at the moment.

It was still hard not to buy anything.  I am a sucker for a deal.

At one point I was waiting by a display of pogo sticks.  I’ve never thought of getting my boys a pogo stick but when I was standing there seeing the $12 price tag, all of the sudden I started thinking of buying it.  I imagine they’d like it for a day or two then figure out that it’s pretty hard to do and not be interested in practicing so it would just end up cluttering the garage.  Luckily I realized that as I was still in the store and passed on it.  Just because it’s a good price doesn’t mean I need it.

As I walked around the store that night I spent my time watching people and wondering how much of that stuff they would buy if there wasn’t someone else behind them who wanted it.  Is their cart full of stuff just because they want to win, to be better than someone else?

Something similar happened to me the next day when my  husband and I were in Ikea.  I knew they had easels for kids on sale before we went there and had no desire to buy one.  Then I starting seeing them in almost everyone’s cart and started thinking that we should get one. If everyone else is buying them then I must be missing out on something.  Then I stopped myself.  My kids wouldn’t be interested and I certainly don’t want another big item to clutter up the toyroom.

All of this makes me wonder what other kinds of things we do because others are doing it?  What do we spend our time and effort on just so that we can be better than someone else?  What do we buy just because we see that someone else has it?

How much better could our lives be if we focused on what we actually needed and wanted, on what would make us happy, instead of what we think will make us happy because of what we see in others?  Just because half of the people in Ikea are buying an easel doesn’t mean that it’s going to enrich my life or that it won’t be a waste of money.  I’m glad I realized that.  Now I hope I can take that realization into other areas of my life and be better at doing what’s best for me and my family instead of worrying about what others are doing.

One of my favorite holiday traditions is our families Thankful Tree.  Every night in November, until Thanksgiving, we each write what we’re thankful for on a leaf and hang it on the tree.

I especially love these from a certain 7 year old who whines every time he is asked to do even the smallest amount of work and is the king of delaying bedtime.

Then there were days where he made me laugh and melted my heart with ones like these…

I also loved watching my four (now five) year old learning to write and spell words.  He insisted on doing it himself every night.

(Computer, microwave)

(Babies, tape and glue)

(school, Legos)

I’m also glad for the opportunity to slow down every night and think of what I’m grateful for.  I have so much I could fill the tree three times over and still find more to be thankful for.  I love our Thankful Tree.

July 19, 96

Today was pretty boring but tonight was fun.  Me and Lindsey rode bikes down to Hogi Yogi and visited Anna.  Then we went and visited Tony at Quick Stop.  We talked to him for about an 1/2 hour.  He might come tonight and get us around 3.  I kind of hope he doesn’t.  I’d be scared to sneak out.  Well, anyway, I went with Anna, Cassi and Sarah around 10:30.  We went over to Movies 8 and picked up on guys.  It was okay.  We only talked to two cars.  The first ones were dorks but the second ones were okay.  They weren’t fine or anything.  Well if Tony comes, I’ll tell tomorrow.

 

July 20, 96

Tony did come last night.  Well actually this morning.  He woke Jennie up because he didn’t see my window.  Jen came and woke me up.  We mostly drove around Spanish Fork and Salem.  We picked up some of his friends too, two boys and two girls.  They were pretty cool.  Kind of weird but aren’t we all.  Tony took his van.  He doesn’t have his license either, only his permit.  I was so scared that we were going to get pulled over.  Good thing we didn’t since we were throwing rocks at signs and mailboxes.  We left about 3 and came back at 5:15.  So I slept in until 12.  I don’t think I like Tony anymore.  He’s dang cool and I like him as a friend but last night I didn’t really feel attracted to him.  But we’ll have to wait and see.

 

The only time I snuck out and it wasn’t even fun because I was too afraid of getting caught.  Thanks for assisting my rebellious ways Jen.